and what am I hiding?

Posted on November 1, 2012 by

Yesterday, I invited you to consider what you were hiding.  Just find out what it might be, not change it or do anything about it.

Today…well, I looked into it, too.  What am I hiding?  Big stuff?  Little stuff?  Medium sized stuff?

More stuff than I realized, I’ll tell you that.  I found some stuff that I am ok with not sharing with the world, and some stuff that I might need to stop hiding eventually, and some stuff that I’m hiding because I don’t know what is true about me anymore–I’m changing, and the old story doesn’t fit, but the new one isn’t formed.  I feel like a sea cucumber, hiding under a rock until I can regrow my insides.

But there are a few things I’ve decided to share, because trying to pretend they aren’t there is an old, leftover from when that kind of self-protection was really, really important.

That kind of protection isn’t necessary anymore.

In fact, it isn’t really even serving me.  Either people will understand and love me, or they will think I’m a little nuts and love me, but I do not worry that the ones I love most will stop loving me because of who I am.

That’s a huge change for me, a huge point of growth.  I sometimes slip back into the old habits of thought and start to hide away again, but it isn’t necessary, and it isn’t about them.  It’s my fear, my old habits, my challenge to change it.

The big thing that I don’t say out loud much is that I believe in stuff we can’t see or control or understand.  I believe in things like intuition and tarot.  I draw cards from an angel card deck that inevitably have something important for me during the day.  When I read daily meditations I open the book randomly and almost always have more connection with the reading than I should by sheer chance.  I believe in astrology, especially since watching ten major relationships implode at the end of March 2012, and watching several of them slowly knit back together as soon as the planets started to realign.

I do not believe in any of these things to the exclusion of logic or fact.  My fear is that people will think I am irrational, illogical, or less smart because of my belief.

But I know I’m not.  My experimental evidence–my lived experience–is that these things are important and useful tools.

I believe in the spirit, the light of that-which-is-holy, in every person.  And I believe in some energy greater than ourselves that moves through the world.

If you didn’t get a chance to share yesterday, join me today: what is it time to tell the world?