This is the story of how I arrived here.
I’m seven, and I crave touch, and I can’t stand to be touched.
I’m twenty-one, and I can’t bear to move when I have sex.
I was anorgasmic until my late twenties.
I was so frustrated, trapped between the craving for touch and the crazy fear of losing control.
I thought inhabiting my body meant losing control.
I could not have been more wrong. But I had to learn that. After YEARS of struggling with wanting sex and finding it uncomfortable, wanting sensation and finding it impossible, trying to figure out how to have an orgasm, I was fed up. I was ready to change something. I gave up on the library. I went to the feminist bookstore.
Armed with The Survivor’s Guide To Sex and Carol Queen’s Exhibitionism for the Shy (don’t write it off–it’s not about what you think it’s about) I started working on myself from the inside.
I learned…a lot.
I unlocked…a lot.
I grew…a lot.
I had my first orgasm, and that was just the beginning.
Sex and touch and intimacy are a crazy amazing kind of alchemy, and interpersonal connection is incredibly important to me. I am still learning.
But for you, your spirit, your heart, your sweet and beautiful body, it doesn’t have to be so long or so hard a road as it was for me. Presence, engagement, breath are all miracles that will change you. Movement will change you. Trust will change you. Communication will change you. Occupying your body will change you. Knowing your body will change you.
And I’m running self-guided tours.
Because now I want to fidget. Now I want to use my body. Now I want to run. Now I want to have sex. Now I can say and honor my desire. Now I can try things. Now I can experiment. Now I can play. Play, for fun, for the joy of being in this body. This body, the one I used to hate. This body, the one I used to ignore. This body, this one.