intensity and…pleasure

Posted on February 23, 2015 by

Intensive: pleasure

So as an intensive, I’ve had an interesting relationship with pleasure.

Maybe I should start here: a few weeks ago I was sitting in a friend’s living room.  We were discussing tantra and energy and this thing called a kundalini awakening, which is basically a way of talking about what happens when you really for real unlock the incredible energetic power in your own body.

It can blow the top of your head off, metaphorically speaking.  In fact, some stories exist about people doing it before they were ready and disrupting their psychological equilibrium quite a bit.

For better or for worse, my experience has been different from that of everyone else I was talking to.  I’ve known that energy intimately from a very young age, and so I’ve had a much more gentle coming-to-terms-with-it.  It’s more like a steady, hot fire.

Pleasure was always hooked to it, but in a really broad way. On the other hand, sexual pleasure was a bit of a puzzle. 

I was aware of sexual pleasure from an even younger age than when I first connected with that energy.  I started masturbating very early in life.  But orgasm, for decades, eluded me.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want it.

It was just that I had no idea how to get there.

I was eventually very lucky to get exactly the help I needed with that puzzle.  But somewhere along the line, running on a parallel but separate track, I was doing a similar thing with other kinds of pleasure: I was sidestepping them at the last minute.

I was afraid to be loud.  I was afraid to be seen.  I was afraid to be foolish in public.  I was afraid of showing UP.  I had my reasons.  Visibility had turned out to be really dangerous for me for a long time. 

But how it happened matters less than what happens now, which is this: I’m taking the cork out of this carbonated bottle of awesome, because there is NO REASON to cap my pleasure off.  No reason to mute my laughter.  No reason to not be utterly, completely, gleefully delighted. 

This is what intensives DO.  We dive in and love the hell out of whatever we’re loving, for real, completely, totally, thoroughly, and quite possibly with sound effects.

Why be shy about delight?
Why hide that you love something, or someone, THIS MUCH?

Haters maybe gotta hate, I don’t know about that.

But lovers gotta love, and that’s where I’m setting up camp.